capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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