He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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