Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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