he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
