Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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