Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everyone says I win the strip club
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
