The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
