if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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