I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
