I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
