...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
