We need to rekindle our bromance
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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