what day is it and did you see me today?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
