I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
