There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
