If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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