come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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