Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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