....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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