new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
