I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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