so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
