I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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