What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
