Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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