So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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