her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
