i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
