i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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