I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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