How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
