Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
