you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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