I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
