if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Randomize
