And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
