Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
