Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
