no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Randomize
