I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
