My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
