So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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