Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Randomize
