i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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