god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
