we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
