This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
