As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
