Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
