I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
