"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
