i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
